My time in America has been fulfilling and good for me, but I’ve been learning that it’s not the place I need to be right now. On one hand, coming back here was like a kick in the face, while on the other, it was like a sweet honey.

For a long time, I had been planning to spend a long time in China – maybe my whole life – learning about the Chinese, living among them, becoming friends with them, and sharing my life with them. This has always exhilarated me—from every word I breathed in the Chinese language, to every night I spent in a Chinese bed, I knew that my life was growing and expanding in ways I could not predict.

But some things tempted me to come back to America, and to find out if maybe it wouldn’t be better for me to stay here for a while. Suffice it to say that even though I always intended to go back to China, I considered being here for a year or so. Then, those temptations which had lured me here suddenly became unhealthy for me and they left me wondering what I should do. I felt ashamed that I had even left China in the first place, when it had been such a great home for me and held so much promise, and I thought maybe I needed to stay here for a while, just in order to become worthy of going back.

But things don’t work that way. Worthiness doesn’t come from outward measurements: degrees from western universities, or years of experience in some profession. Somehow I realized that if I’m going to be worthy to go back to China, I have to embrace the worthiness I was born with.

You see, I know so many people there in China, who are to me like stars shining in the sky of humility and friendliness. I hear some foreigners complain about problems they have with Chinese people, but somehow I think that they live in a different China from the one I have known for 4 years. Truly, the Chinese friends I am blessed with make me feel awed. They are so different from me, and yet, in every way that counts, not different at all. None of these dear people ever looked at me and thought I was not worthy.

For me, the word I made up for this website, “brightwind,” has taken on a real meaning. It is that mysterious wind which blows you where you need to be in life. It may blow you onto a certain path, then off it, then on it again, but all the time it is blowing you in the right direction. It is the force behind “Yuan Fen,” as the Chinese love to call it—the way people come into your life just when you need them, and the way you come into their lives, just when they need you.

This brightwind whispered in my ear that China was not waiting for me to be worthy. The reality was something else. When you hear the brightwind calling you, soothing your heart, you can’t really put into words the message you hear. But suddenly, it makes you feel warm and content with your life as it is, with the plans as they were before you tried to fix them—unbroken, whole, and worthy.

I hold in my hands a plane ticket to Nanjing, arriving February 26.
(Happy New Year)

http://www.brightwind.org/index.php/weblog/the-only-thing-we-have-to-fear/ Current Affairs

Probably the most noticeable change since the last time I lived in the U.S. is the heavily charged environment of public fear. The experience of 9/11 has so traumatized the country of my birth, that it leaves many Americans in the constant fear that something like this could happen again. Usually this fear rides at a low level of consciousness; it still allows us to go to work, make stupid jokes, and go to sleep at night, but it influences the world of public thinking and decision-making so much that hardly any topic is covered in the news which does not betray some kind of fear motivating its discussion.

In this election season, the fear seems to be projected less onto various terrorist organizations and more onto whichever presidential candidate one dislikes most. The sense is that if that politician you dislike is elected then the country is in real danger, and this feeling is stronger now than in any other election I can remember in my life.

If I didn’t know better, my tendency would be to become deeply afraid of the way the media corporations continually reinforce this fear in American society. I often look around me and notice varying ways in which some individuals and organizations bend this fear to their advantage. It would appear that they are inflaming this fear in order to achieve multiple ends, from improving their ratings to influencing the election.

But I do know better. Having been away for so long, I can sense that my own fear is likely a response to the public fear all around me rubbing off on me too. Whether the American media really is horribly corrupt or not, my being afraid of it doesn’t do anyone any good. I must work hard not to be afraid of that, or other negative possibilities. While each part of the American community seems more and more eager to blame a certain group or segment of society for all the horrible things that could happen to us in the future, I would like to work hard not to succumb to the need to blame others that fear inspires.

At times like this, each person has a choice to make: whether to be a force for unity and agreement between individuals and groups around you, or to be a force for disunity and attacking whichever group you direct your fear at most. To feel afraid is natural, but when we allow that fear to control our actions, we must take it as a sign that we all have a lot of growing up to do—both on our own and as a society.

]]> 2004-09-14T22:55:50-07:00 http://www.brightwind.org/index.php/weblog/a-stranger-in-a-familiar-land/ Some thoughts upon my return to America Current Affairs

I’ve been back in the United States for a couple weeks now, and I’m surprised how much is the same, and how much is different. I had been reading, during my time in China, about how America has been changing during the four years that I’ve been away, but now that I’m planning to be here for a year or two, experiencing these changes for myself is quite different.

When I last lived in the U.S. four years ago, America seemed to enjoy unparalleled prosperity, while the whole world basked in its glow. Americans complained about many things of course, but generally we took for granted an overall optimism that things would only keep on getting better for us. I imagined the most upsetting element of American culture to be a widespread materialism, combined with overblown concern with celebrities and various petty issues of the day. I had a sense that our biggest problems in the future would continue to lie with the burdens and excesses of being the world’s most well-to-do society

I had just graduated from college, and I wanted to explore a new life in the land on the other side of the world. I was also eager to get away from a country that understood little of the disheartening living conditions that many other people are living in. When I left, war seemed like a far away thing from history.

But the times have changed. I think in the coming weeks, it would be useful for me, and for you too, I hope, to try to process these changes that have taken place in my homeland, as well as changes in my own life that have taken place during the same period of time.

]]> 2004-09-12T05:30:15-07:00 http://www.brightwind.org/index.php/weblog/more-new-directions/ Brightwind News

This last month and a half have reordered so many things in my life. I hope you will pardon my absence. Some people say that change is hard, and while that’s true, I feel that my particular changes this time are very good indeed.

I would rather not say directly what all the changes in my life have been, yet. You’ll know that soon enough anyway. It will affect this website, but as to exactly how, I’d like to let that be a surprise for later.

The one thing I should say now is that I’m planning to go back to America for an extended trip of more than a year. I’m currently getting ready to go now, and I expect I should be there in about a month. During my first month or two in the States, I plan to dedicate a significant amount of time to making this site work the way I want it to. Then during the months after that, I hope to mainly just write new content for it, without working too much on the underlying code.

I like surprises, so I’m going to let you wonder for a while what Brightwind will become. I myself am eager to discover more about that as I go, anyway. I may end up even more surprised than you! Whatever happens to me in my life, and however Brightwind evolves as a website, getting there will be a gradual journey, so I hope that you’ll be patient with me as I work at it. Thank you for being here all this time so far!

]]> 2004-08-01T07:10:35-07:00 http://www.brightwind.org/index.php/weblog/new-directions/ Brightwind News

Brightwind has been running for several months now, and it’s given me a lot of chance to think about what it could become in the future. I’ve tried posting everything from inspiring essays to film reviews, and from short stories to photo galleries. All this experimenting has given me a better sense of the kind of thing I like to write, draw, photograph and so on.

In terms of the site management, I was going strong with the Typepad system for a while, and just when I was getting into its rhythym, the Typepad service became inaccessible from China and I was forced to move over to a new provider and a new blogging engine. I chose Expression Engine, even though it was expensive for me, because it seemed to have the widest potential for growth. With it, I could make Brightwind into any kind of website I might want to have.

But this added flexibility and power, combined with a wider appreciation for what I really want to accomplish here, creates a much larger work load! The current design is not flexible enough to handle everything I want to do, so basically I need to work out something totally new.

Here’s the list of ideas I’ve thought through concerning ways Brightwind’s content might develop:

]]> 2004-06-04T03:16:10-07:00 http://www.brightwind.org/index.php/weblog/chessmaster/ Photos, Yunnan

This man was playing chess, as if for the millionth time. I saw him one day, when some friends of mine and I stumbled upon a beautiful garden in Kunming, the capital of Yunnan province. There were a pagoda, a tea shop, and lots of old people sitting around, filling up their time with hobbies.

I walked around with my camera looking for interesting things to photograph, and I saw this man’s wrinkles, his cigarette, and most importantly, the attention he devoted to his game.

Chinese Chess is different from its western variety in a number of ways. Some say that it’s more subtle. I certainly find that it’s easier to find yourself on the losing side without knowing how or why you got there, but maybe that’s just because I’m not very good at it.

In any case, I politely asked this man if he would mind my taking his picture. He didn’t respond. I asked him again, but all I got was something like a shrug that seemed to indicate contempt. Another man, younger than this player, although by no means “young,” who was apparently just watching the game, took notice of me, smiled, and gestured for me to go ahead and take my picture. If he hadn’t done that, I think I would have considered myself blown off and walked away.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the power of Chinese Chess, a magical square of hypnosis into which old men can fall when they desire to escape from the world, its young people, and its digital cameras. It seemed to have developed in this man the power of concentration to such a degree that I was reduced to little more than a fly.

Or maybe he was just in a bad mood. Maybe he was deaf. In any case, his attitude surprised me, but also left me feeling like I shouldn’t be surprised, as if I had just started a game with him and found myself at a sudden disadvantage.

Even though one part of me felt as if I had been treated rudely, another part of me felt that there was something noble about him and his game. Or perhaps the nobility really came from the observing man at his side, who was kind enough to be polite to me on this man’s behalf.

]]> 2004-05-31T10:50:22-07:00 http://www.brightwind.org/index.php/weblog/old-woman-new-world/ Photos, Yunnan, Way of Life

This is my favorite photo out of the 500 or so that I took last winter in Yunnan. It’s not the most beautiful from an aesthetic point of view, but it has a symbolic meaning to it that I was extremely lucky to catch. I was just walking down the street with my camera open, and as I saw this lady, I stealthily turned to snap a picture from my stomach-height as she walked by.

The woman clings to the past. The future is already here, and she seems almost ill and dizzy in a new world of shopping complexes and brand-name clothes. All of the modern age is caught up in this one blurry moment, and everything is so unclear to her. She clings to the hand of her grandson, who laughs and plays in a world he can understand but she cannot.

But she is the one with the keys to this new world dangling around her neck.

]]> 2004-05-21T11:59:08-07:00